I wish i was happy.

Been sometime since i last use this blog . So much things happen through out all this years. The one i love the most left. He left with both good and bad memories, but he also left me something that haunts me . And it never stops, the insecurities i have, the phobia you left me. I told myself not to step out of my comfort zone, so that i will never get hurt again but i failed. I always fail. I will never learn. Met someone, he encourage me to take a step forward. I did. But.. I start to regret now because everyone i love will eventually leave. He's just replying for the sake of replying. I don't rmb things as well as i used to, but i notice things easily. No longer spam me when i don't reply. It's just different. I told you but i just feel that you don't really care. Its like having me or not, it makes no difference to you at all. I just wanna be important to someone, be love, pamper like a girl. But i always get too clingy or paranoid and chase the other party away. This is just me . In my life, i'm always the one who love more, when will i have someone that will love me more than i love him? I really wanna be happy. It's like i'm the only one putting in effort to keep things going , if you don't matter to me, i won't even tolerate you? Why don't you know? I won't even be bothered if you reply or not, i won't even bother if you angry or not, i just won't be bothered at all. You're always asking me to feel, or think. But fact is what you make me feel and think is that you're replying for the sake of replying, you're trying to push me away slowly and indirectly. Do you get it ? I wanna feel safe, i wanna feel secure....
Slowly falling apart . Just waiting and seeing how long can i tolerate, one day i'll just break down. No one really know how miserable i am because i hide certain things, unless i'm in a bad mood if not i won't show it. I hide well. But i'm never happy for long. I just wanna feel important. Maybe i should just give up, take one step backwards and stay as how it is. Not leaving my comfort zone. Can't afford to be played, can't afford to get hurt....